My mind has been racing lately, but at the same time my thoughts seem like sludge. I think and think, and then realize there was nothing to the ideas floating around in my brain. It's not a bad thing, just kinda.... ?
I worry a lot about the kids. I know. Most of them are grown up and have families of their own now. But still. What if I didn't teach C well enough to treat his wife and daughters as the daughters of God that they are? And what if I didn't help him realize how powerful he is when he's worthy of the priesthood? What about Lou? For heaven's sake, she has an investment in heaven...have I taught her all I can so she knows what she needs to do to be with that little man again? Does she realize how favored she is in the sight of the Lord to be the mother of such a perfect angel? And TJ and B? They seem so...little? She's my 'first baby'. Have I given her the strength and courage to be all she is entitled to? All that she should be? And then Alex...Does he know how much I love him? Does he know how many people love him? Will I ever be able to teach him that he is so special that he had to share his life with multiple families and many, many friends, because just one family couldn't handle this much love?
I think of these things. I get discouraged, I get worried, I get happy. Yeah. All at the same time. I am so proud of my family and the choices they have made in their lives. My children married incredible people who love them despite my lack of parenting skills. Heck! They love them in spite of me!! Their lives are amazing. Their accomplishments heart stopping. They always have been great kids.
I guess I've been thinking these things because of someone else's trials. A good friend's daughter is fighting melanoma cancer. She's on her 3rd round of this war, and giving her all to win. She has three beautiful sons to help give her strength when there's no strength to give. She has a husband that was her high school sweetheart, who loves her not because she's beautiful, but because he loves her. And she has a whole basket full of siblings who would do anything to help her.
Daily I hear of someone else who is sick (cancer seems rampant all of a sudden) or sad, or in need. What can I do? What can I give?
I can pray. I can hope. I can have faith that I have a Father in Heaven who not only listens to my prayers, and your prayers and their prayers, but knows how we feel. Knows what we mean when we stutter through our prayers not knowing how to express the twist that has knotted our heart out of concern. He knows the fear Alisa is feeling, and knows how to help her through that fear. He knows how worried her family and friends are for her, and if we listen with our heart we will know what we can do on our end to help this trial be a battle of love.
And as far as my seemingly petty plight for my children who are healthy, here and with loved ones? Well. I can still teach them things I maybe overlooked as they were growing up. I can be the example I desire to be to them. The strength they need to hold onto. The love they need to feel when scared.
I am their mom.
13 Years ago today....
2 months ago
1 comment:
I know with Ryan's 2 year battle with cancer, we just wanted someone to talk to about it, so be a good listener and let them unload. No one really knows what you're going through unless they've been there. I played a dirty trick on my parents when we were in the thick of it. Their attitude was one of "suck it up- it's not that bad!". So, I asked them to take Ryan to chemo because we had other commitments. They had no idea what they were getting into! When they brought him home, they were in tears from watching him suffer so. After that they were more compassionate and had a greater understanding of what we were going through. Anyway, give them an outlet to unload.
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