nine eleven

Never have 2 words meant so much to so many people.  Just thinking them brings back that day...

I was doing laundry.  I always turn the TV on to have sound on while folding. 

News. News. News..... wait.  What?

New York.  Airplane.  Fire. 





I actually watched the second plane hit the building.  I remember holding my mouth over my hand, even though the scream that I felt never left my body. 

I also watched as the twins dropped.  I think I fell to the ground with them.  I didn't know what I felt.  Pain.  Fear.  Confusion.    Nothing good, that's for sure. 

New York has always had a dear place in our hearts.  That's where Mike served his  LDS mission (New York /  New Jersey). He has a love for the people there that will never diminish.  I got to fall in love for myself when we got the opportunity to go there together about 8 years after he got home.  The sights.  The smells.  The languages - even English spoken there is a different language!  And we even went to the twin towers and stood on the observation deck.  That's where I stood and listened to probably close to 100 people talking to each other as I walked around, and I don't think I heard any English spoken.  So weird to be on American soil and not hear English.  At all!  And then we went downstairs to the shops.  Of course!  We were tourists!!  We found a tie and suspender set for sale that was absolutely beautiful!  But we didn't buy it.  At least not that day!  I actually had Mike's mission mom - who worked in one of the towers - buy them and send them to me for Mike for Christmas that year.  Best present I ever got him!  That's still one of my favorite ties!  He wears it every 9/11.

As bad as those memories are, and always will be, what I remember most is the emotions over the next few weeks.  At the time I had a paper route.  Don't laugh!  I've tried everything I could to stay home with my kids, and a paper route helped.  But at 4 am there isn't much on the radio but talk and news, especially after a big event like this.  And for all the negativity that could  have been dribbled, there was so much love.  Compassion.  Sincerity.  Patriotism.  Pride.

I remember driving and running through the neighborhood in the dark, but feeling full of light and wanting to bang on every one's door shouting, "Thanks for being my neighbor!"  "Thanks for helping me feel safe."  "I'm proud to be an American!!" 

Thirteen years later.  I haven't been back since 1992.  I want to!  OH.  I so bad want to.  I want to add my tears to those that have been shed in honor of the brave men and women who risked their lives to try to valiantly save complete strangers in a dark, unforgiving mess.  To feel the spirit that I'm sure is there.  How could it not be? 

But since I'm home, I will just raise my flag in honor.  I will think about those people, their families probably all day long.  And I will thank my Heavenly Father for allowing me to live in America at this time of history. 

May we NEVER forget......

Random thoughts

My mind has been racing lately, but at the same time my thoughts seem like sludge. I think and think, and then realize there was nothing to the ideas floating around in my brain. It's not a bad thing, just kinda.... ?

I worry a lot about the kids. I know. Most of them are grown up and have families of their own now. But still. What if I didn't teach C well enough to treat his wife and daughters as the daughters of God that they are? And what if I didn't help him realize how powerful he is when he's worthy of the priesthood? What about Lou? For heaven's sake, she has an investment in heaven...have I taught her all I can so she knows what she needs to do to be with that little man again? Does she realize how favored she is in the sight of the Lord to be the mother of such a perfect angel? And TJ and B? They seem so...little? She's my 'first baby'. Have I given her the strength and courage to be all she is entitled to? All that she should be? And then Alex...Does he know how much I love him? Does he know how many people love him? Will I ever be able to teach him that he is so special that he had to share his life with multiple families and many, many friends, because just one family couldn't handle this much love?

I think of these things. I get discouraged, I get worried, I get happy. Yeah. All at the same time. I am so proud of my family and the choices they have made in their lives. My children married incredible people who love them despite my lack of parenting skills. Heck! They love them in spite of me!! Their lives are amazing. Their accomplishments heart stopping. They always have been great kids.

I guess I've been thinking these things because of someone else's trials. A good friend's daughter is fighting melanoma cancer. She's on her 3rd round of this war, and giving her all to win. She has three beautiful sons to help give her strength when there's no strength to give. She has a husband that was her high school sweetheart, who loves her not because she's beautiful, but because he loves her. And she has a whole basket full of siblings who would do anything to help her.

Daily I hear of someone else who is sick (cancer seems rampant all of a sudden) or sad, or in need. What can I do? What can I give?

I can pray. I can hope. I can have faith that I have a Father in Heaven who not only listens to my prayers, and your prayers and their prayers, but knows how we feel. Knows what we mean when we stutter through our prayers not knowing how to express the twist that has knotted our heart out of concern. He knows the fear Alisa is feeling, and knows how to help her through that fear. He knows how worried her family and friends are for her, and if we listen with our heart we will know what we can do on our end to help this trial be a battle of love.

And as far as my seemingly petty plight for my children who are healthy, here and with loved ones? Well. I can still teach them things I maybe overlooked as they were growing up. I can be the example I desire to be to them. The strength they need to hold onto. The love they need to feel when scared.

I am their mom.