If you're not interested in reading a long blog, I'll warn you now! This may take a while!
It was 2 months ago today that we finally got to meet Mac. Two months ago and a little boy's death changed all of our lives. It's a day I will never forget. So many emotions; excited, scared, happy, heartbroken, love, anger, confusion. Not to compare what we went through with what Christ did by any means, but it does help me understand how He could have felt all of our pains, trials, and happiness's in the Garden, because in such a short time those feelings rushed through me.
One thing I have been so grateful for is how well we got to know Mac before he was born. He was quite the character!! Even at his debut with his first ultrasound, he let us know, "Hello! I'm a boy!! So stop calling me it!" He was Mac from that day forward. He let me sing to him, much to his mother's dismay. I read to him. Alex would give him zerbuts (where you blow on someones skin and make a crude noise) and Mac would "run" to the other side of the womb. He hated those! He loved to play 'poke-a-boo' - that's the in-utero version of peek-a-boo and you play it by poking Cali's tummy, and Mac would always poke back!! Cali said he would even follow the water in the shower; if she was facing the water her stomach would stick straight out, and if her back was to the water, well, he would try to get there, too! Side to side, it didn't matter, he loved the shower! He was a mover and a shaker. I used to joke that he was going to be born my size and hyperactive and I didn't know if I would be able to handle him!! How I wish I could have had the chance to try.
I went to visit Mac tonight. I love going to the cemetery. I know to some of you that sounds morbid, but I feel such a comfort and a peace when I'm there. I know he's not there - at least not all the time. But it's still so peaceful, and quiet that it's nice to go there to get away from the noise of life and contemplate .... well, life. I always leave there with the desire to be better. A better daughter, a better wife, a better mother, neighbor, friend, and even a better stranger. How much greater would the world be if we treated each other 'better?'
Anyway, I de-shroomed him first of all - meaning I picked all the little mushrooms from around his grave. Those mushrooms are a bother to Cali. But I like them. No, I don't take them home and eat them! I mean, I like that they're there. I joke that it's Mac's way of saying hi, because he was a little mushroom head when he was born. So, I like seeing them. I never thought I'd say this, but those mushrooms make me smile! I didn't throw them away like I usually do, instead I left them in a pile by his little marker. I did that to bug Lou!! I arranged the flowers I brought, then just sat and cried. I cried for Mac because he hasn't had the chance to be raised by his great parents, even though I know he will be. I cry for Josh and Cali because they have to wait to raise him, and that breaks my heart. I cry for me. I was going to be the best darn grandma there ever was!! We were going to be buddies, pals, snuggle partners. I was going to teach him how to love being messy, but then teach him how to clean up. I was going to give him ice cream, just to see him pull 'the cold face'. I was going to dance with him, sing with him, laugh with him and cry with him. I was going to teach him how to ride a bike, how to read, and how to treat a lady. I was even going to enjoy the poopy diapers!
There is one thing I can still do even though he's not here. I can love him, and, oh, I love him soooo much it hurts. I am grateful for my knowledge of where he is and who he's with. Since I can't be his babysitter, I am glad that I know he's being watched by a loving Heavenly Father and a big brother who is also MY Father and brother. I'm grateful for the Holy Ghost and the comfort he lends me when I need it most. I'm grateful that there are times the veil is thin and I can feel Mac's spirit beside me, laughing with me (or at me!), and reminding me to be better!
After I sat and cried, I walked around and said hi to all of Mac's little friends. There were a lot of flowers around tonight. (I asked Mac why, but he didn't answer!) I said hi to Maverik and commented on the 'bling' his parents left for him. I walked up to Tonya - with a few flowers I stole from the little garden there - and said 'hey'. (She's the sister of one of my best friends who also happens to be my sister-in-law!) I looked for Collin and ? - I forgot his twin's name!- but I said hi to them. (I know their grandma and I taught their cousin). Then went back to Mac. Trimmed around his nameplate, took a couple pictures (Thankfully TJ helped me put them with this post) then sang our song; Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink. Skin-a-ma-rinky-doo. I LOVE YOU!! I love you in the morning and in the afternoon. I love you in the evening underneath the moon. Oh! Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink. Skin-a-ma-rinky-doo. I LOVE YOU!!
*kiss* Good night, Big Mac!
It was 2 months ago today that we finally got to meet Mac. Two months ago and a little boy's death changed all of our lives. It's a day I will never forget. So many emotions; excited, scared, happy, heartbroken, love, anger, confusion. Not to compare what we went through with what Christ did by any means, but it does help me understand how He could have felt all of our pains, trials, and happiness's in the Garden, because in such a short time those feelings rushed through me.
One thing I have been so grateful for is how well we got to know Mac before he was born. He was quite the character!! Even at his debut with his first ultrasound, he let us know, "Hello! I'm a boy!! So stop calling me it!" He was Mac from that day forward. He let me sing to him, much to his mother's dismay. I read to him. Alex would give him zerbuts (where you blow on someones skin and make a crude noise) and Mac would "run" to the other side of the womb. He hated those! He loved to play 'poke-a-boo' - that's the in-utero version of peek-a-boo and you play it by poking Cali's tummy, and Mac would always poke back!! Cali said he would even follow the water in the shower; if she was facing the water her stomach would stick straight out, and if her back was to the water, well, he would try to get there, too! Side to side, it didn't matter, he loved the shower! He was a mover and a shaker. I used to joke that he was going to be born my size and hyperactive and I didn't know if I would be able to handle him!! How I wish I could have had the chance to try.
I went to visit Mac tonight. I love going to the cemetery. I know to some of you that sounds morbid, but I feel such a comfort and a peace when I'm there. I know he's not there - at least not all the time. But it's still so peaceful, and quiet that it's nice to go there to get away from the noise of life and contemplate .... well, life. I always leave there with the desire to be better. A better daughter, a better wife, a better mother, neighbor, friend, and even a better stranger. How much greater would the world be if we treated each other 'better?'
Anyway, I de-shroomed him first of all - meaning I picked all the little mushrooms from around his grave. Those mushrooms are a bother to Cali. But I like them. No, I don't take them home and eat them! I mean, I like that they're there. I joke that it's Mac's way of saying hi, because he was a little mushroom head when he was born. So, I like seeing them. I never thought I'd say this, but those mushrooms make me smile! I didn't throw them away like I usually do, instead I left them in a pile by his little marker. I did that to bug Lou!! I arranged the flowers I brought, then just sat and cried. I cried for Mac because he hasn't had the chance to be raised by his great parents, even though I know he will be. I cry for Josh and Cali because they have to wait to raise him, and that breaks my heart. I cry for me. I was going to be the best darn grandma there ever was!! We were going to be buddies, pals, snuggle partners. I was going to teach him how to love being messy, but then teach him how to clean up. I was going to give him ice cream, just to see him pull 'the cold face'. I was going to dance with him, sing with him, laugh with him and cry with him. I was going to teach him how to ride a bike, how to read, and how to treat a lady. I was even going to enjoy the poopy diapers!
There is one thing I can still do even though he's not here. I can love him, and, oh, I love him soooo much it hurts. I am grateful for my knowledge of where he is and who he's with. Since I can't be his babysitter, I am glad that I know he's being watched by a loving Heavenly Father and a big brother who is also MY Father and brother. I'm grateful for the Holy Ghost and the comfort he lends me when I need it most. I'm grateful that there are times the veil is thin and I can feel Mac's spirit beside me, laughing with me (or at me!), and reminding me to be better!
After I sat and cried, I walked around and said hi to all of Mac's little friends. There were a lot of flowers around tonight. (I asked Mac why, but he didn't answer!) I said hi to Maverik and commented on the 'bling' his parents left for him. I walked up to Tonya - with a few flowers I stole from the little garden there - and said 'hey'. (She's the sister of one of my best friends who also happens to be my sister-in-law!) I looked for Collin and ? - I forgot his twin's name!- but I said hi to them. (I know their grandma and I taught their cousin). Then went back to Mac. Trimmed around his nameplate, took a couple pictures (Thankfully TJ helped me put them with this post) then sang our song; Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink. Skin-a-ma-rinky-doo. I LOVE YOU!! I love you in the morning and in the afternoon. I love you in the evening underneath the moon. Oh! Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink. Skin-a-ma-rinky-doo. I LOVE YOU!!
*kiss* Good night, Big Mac!
6 comments:
Thanks for making me cry!!! The desk I'm sitting at has a puddle of tears on it now. That was beautiful!!! It's amazing the amount of love we all feel for little Mac. I love the way you care for his little grave and all of the other baby graves around him. I've never noticed the mushrooms around his grave, but will have to notice now and think of his little mushroom head. Gosh I love him and miss him so much! Thanks for helping me think of him today. I love remembering him.
Just like Erin & probably everyone else who will read this (& Cali's blog), I sobbed through it. It is good to talk about him & remember him & feel the wonder that IS HIM!! Everyone in some point in time has to find out that their heart will "expand" to hold more & more love with each child, or new family member or friend. I don't think that any one of us were prepared, however, for the incredible amount of love our hearts would hold for such a precious child that we only got to know for such a short time. The love I feel for him & all of you absolutely overwhelms me every time I read something or even think of him. Thank you so much for sharing your very personal feelings!!
Natalie - I am so glad I found your blog. What a beautiful post. You are the best darn grandma!
I miss seeing you more often at the office but I look forward to reading your blog.
God Bless-
Janene
I just happned to find your blog through another blog, but I was reading the beautiful post about Mac and it was so funny because that's the song that I always sing to my son, Breck. He is 18 months old and just loves it! I have read Baby Mac's and Josh and Cali's blog and it just breaks my heart for what they are going through. He was a very precious spirit and loved so many! It is comforting to know where he is and that they will get the chance to raise him, but it is so difficult to comprehend not being able to hold your baby everyday. May God continue to strengthen and heal your family...you are all such great examples of the gospel.
Oh man, no one understands when they walk by my office and see tears streaking down my face. I am the only girl here so that makes it even worse..."Must be that time". Ugg. Anyway. I loved your entry and feel the same way about so many things. I miss Mac still. I love him and I love you all so much. Thanks for saying hello to Tonya. That means alot! You are such a great person, friend, mother, grandma, and wife (not like I know out of experience but I can tell by how Mike looks at you). Okay I am done. Love ya.
You are an amazing person Natalie. Now I am reading your blog, Mac's blog, and everyone else's blog that is linked to you. What strength I gain from you as I read about the great faith that you have. Thanks for sharing.
Trish Morrison
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