The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I'm the ugly. No, really. When you read this you will probably think, "What a horrible person!"

But it's the truth. And those who deal with children who are challenged either with a disability, a major health issue or mental health issues can empathize. Maybe even sympathize. But it's still the truth. And even though what I am about to say may seem like the worst things a mother can say, sometimes the truth hurts and sometimes it needs to be said.

The other day Alex had me in tears. I was worried, I was scared, I was done. I'm a pretty patient person, but there are moments when I can't DO anymore. I don't WANT to do anymore. Ugly.

Now comes the bad. Alex has had to deal with a lot in his short little life; his parents were both drug addicts and didn't give him the attention a small baby needed. He was ignored, left alone, slept in drug houses and cars, and even sexually abused at least once. His sister tried to take care of him, but she was only 6 and trying to deal with her own feelings of being ignored. Once his parents went to jail, grandma took care of him - until she found out she had end stage cancer and only had 6 months to live. He loved her dearly and she was gone.

So Aunt Grandma took care of him (that's his great aunt on his mom's side). Because of his birth-mom's history, Aunt Grandma didn't have much support from her kids, and a hellion of a child with a disability is a lot for a 60 year old woman to handle. Then came the diagnosis of Diabetes. That's when we met Alex. He was a dirty, obnoxious, little boy who had no control. Always wanted to run, didn't have any vocabulary but liked to spit raspberries all the time. And yes, we fell in love. But there was still more bad.

Three bouts of RSV - one of which we didn't think he was going to live through. A bunch of cases of pneumonia, ear infections and strep. Put on thyroid meds for hypothyroidism at age 5. Finally diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 7. Then last year his drama with his hip - again, and again, and again!!! And all the while trying to keep his Diabetes under control.

Then there's the mental health issue. Alex is still trying to deal with the abuse he had as a baby. And that's a lot for anyone to deal with. He has great therapists and fantastic doctors who help balance things out with meds and therapy, but once in a while he can't handle anymore, and unfortunately that's usually when I can't handle anymore.

So hence, the tears.

"Alex. It's time to get dressed and brush your teeth."
"NO!"
"Come on. I'll help you..."
"NO! YOU'RE STUPID! TEETH ARE STUPID! I HATE GETTING DRESSED!"
"Here's your clothes...."
"NO!" ...runs away outside and licks the front window of the door until I get right there. Then runs some more. And hides - OOOO! I hate it when he hides.

"Alex. What do you want for snack?"
"I HATE SNACK! YOU'RE STUPID!"
"How about some ice cream?"
"NO! I HATE ICE CREAM!"

When this is the type of conversations you have all day, every day it wears you down. Then there's moments like what happened the other day. I had just put one of the babies to sleep, and walked in the living room to find Alex whispering threats to the cat while choking it. When he finally calmed down and I was able to ask why he was choking him, he says it's because the cat wouldn't kiss him. Between the verbal 'abuse' and the anger that he exhibits, I'm done. I just want to be alone. Actually, I just want to be away from Alex.

See. Ugly.

I'm frightened; school starts in a week, and how will he be there? Will they kick him out? Will they threaten to send him to another school? One that doesn't fit him at all, just because of his behaviors? And what about the babies - is he going to get angry toward them and hurt them?

I'm worried; What more can I do? No one understands what is going on! I can't burden anyone with any of this because they either are too busy as it is, or they won't understand and judge us poorly. And I can't leave him with most people, because they just can't handle him. And I need my friends / family!

I'm done. Tears. More tears.

Then there's the good.

I call the doctors. They get us in very quickly and we adjust some meds, and I feel supported and validated. Mike helps out with everything from housework, to taking care of Alex, to just calling to say, "I love you!" My older children play with Alex, so I can have a few minutes to myself. Taylor paints my bathroom, and treats me so kindly I sometimes wonder what's going on! My neighbors come over just to say HI to Alex, or they allow him to come to their house to play for 1/2 an hour. I say my prayers, and immediately feel comfort. Maybe not an everything-will-be-hunky-dorey-perfect kind of comfort, but a peace. A calm. And Alex gives me a hug. He asks me if I love him (the poor kid is always asking that. He needs validation, too) then he tells me he loves me. We cuddle up in his bed and snuggle and his slow breathing reminds me of that cute, dirty little boy I met so long ago.

The good so much outweighs the bad, and I hope I never let the ugly even get close to overtaking the good. The good is comfort. Friends. Family. Knowledge that Alex is trying his hardest to do his best. Understanding that Alex is one of my best friends who needs a little more time and effort than my other friends, and the desire to want to give him that extra effort.

The good is LOVE. Love for this little boy who is so fragile, he needs a mother very, very badly! Love for my family, who is ALWAYS there for me, and who I can always vent to. LOVE for my 'support crew' - friends, neighbors, church leaders. A LOVE for all the doctors who work with Alex with all of his medical needs and help him feel better so he can be a happier person.

And most definitely a LOVE for my Savior who felt my anguish, my fears, my pain, my concerns. He even felt my anger and my remorse. He understands ALL that I feel and is always there with my loving Father in Heaven to give me the comfort I need.

Alex is a fantastic little boy. I'm so lucky to have him in my life. I'm even grateful for the bad and the ugly, because it makes the good just that much sweeter!


I love Alex so much!

Let's stick with the good for a while.....